| When the Sky Begins to Fall... | |||
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Friday, January 31, 2003 ( 1/31/2003 04:46:00 PM ) Lisa fridayfive.org 1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why? I'm still a child. hehe I don't really watch TV much anymore though, but Batman and Superman were and still are awesome! lol. 2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got? To go ice-skating and a piano, guitar, or drums. 3. What's the furthest from home you've been? Washington DC for 3 days and 2 nights. (8th grade field trip) 4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet? Guitar, drums, and piano. 5. What are your plans for the weekend? I don't really know. I hurt my back today. lol. I think I pulled a muscle. Tomorrow I'll probably clean my room so I don't get yelled at. Then at 6, I have a dinner/dance that my parents are dragging me to, and I can't get out of it now. Sunday, nothing at all! # ( 1/31/2003 04:16:00 PM ) Lisa *Warning: Contains swearing.* I'm soo sick of my family. They are all sexist bastards. They are! They're all saying how girls should clean, take care of the kids, and have a job! Well, fuck them all! Don't even think off saying that to me, 'cause I tell you off. My brother had the guts to say that to me and I yelled at him. He's like we're Italian, what'd you expect? Well, first of all don't bring in the fact that we're Italian 'cause that has nothing! to do with it. I didn't mop the floor, I didn't wash the dishes, and I sure as Hell didn't dust. The only thing I did was sweep. My dad could go Fuck himself for all I care. My family is sexist. I admit it and so have they. Not only do they think that about women/girls, they always give the boys more money for holidays and stuff. Not just $5 or $10 more; like $20 or more more. For Christmas me and Christina (my sister) got $20 from my Uncle Phil and Aunt Lia. Nick (my brother) however, got $50. He's like 'cause I'm older. OK. Yeah, he is, but he's been getting more money than I have my whole life. He's not that much older, either. He's only 3 years older than me. (6 years older than Christina and 13 years older than Gabriella). So all I have to say is: SCREW THIS FUCKING FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!!! # ( 1/31/2003 10:25:00 AM ) Lisa The one day I get to sleep in, I actually don't get to sleep in. I feel asleep a little after midnight. Then around 5 my stupid cat starting run across the whole for like 20 minutes, so I woke up. Then I woke up at 7:10 'cause someone asked me to meet him online and because I'm just so freakin' sweet, I said fine. Which reminds me: I have to leave a message on his phone. Argh. So I went online for a little while. I went back to bed around 7:50 and woke up at 9:30. I fell asleep again and at 10, then phone rings (some lady for my brother) so I was like "Eff this" and just got up. My dad wants me to clean the WHOLE freakin house, too! Yep, just 'cause I'm off! Well, Nick (my brother) gets off of school every freakin day (except Mondays and Wednesdays) and 11, and he's home by 11:45. Why the Hell couldn't HE clean it!? Christina (my sister) gets off at 12 today (1/2 day), but SHE doesn't have to clean it! No, wait. They have to clean, but just their rooms. I get to clean my room (dust, sweep, all that "fun" stuff) and dust, sweep, mop, etc. our basement. Well, I'm not mopping. Nick could mop. I'll sweep and wash the dishes. Christina could dust. I'm not the only freakin' one home, ya know! I hurt my back, too. I don't know how. Maybe from the tests 'cause I have to slouch over and 2 of my classes I have to sit on stools and they are extrememly uncomfortable! Especially in Biology! OMFG! The stools in that class are pretty much the same hit as the tables! Well, a little shorter. Still, it's UNBELIEVABLY uncomfortable! Try taking a 75 minute test sitting on a freakin' school. My legs pretty much have NO space between the stool and the table. lol. I'm serious, and it's not just me. That's how high up the stools are in that class. Grrr!!! Better start cleaning soon...Lisa # Thursday, January 30, 2003 ( 1/30/2003 05:37:00 PM ) Lisa This guy kept saying things about Italians. And he REALLY effin' pissed me off. So I changed my IM icon to the Italian flag and was like "how do you like me now!?" I swear I wanted to SERIOUSLY beat him! Argh! Then he's all like, "what do you look for in a guy? blah. blah. blah." I was like go to Hell dude. You pissed me off and now you wanna make conversation? SCREW YOU! lol. # ( 1/30/2003 01:38:00 PM ) Lisa OH MY FREAKING GOD! I HATE PEOPLE! This guy IMs and starts in about Italians; how we're all proud and whatnot. I swear, I'm about ready to beat him with a stick! Lucky for him, he lives in Florida. Plus, he's 20, so he could probably take me. Then this other guy IMs me and he's a perve! He's like what bra size do you wear? Do you really play volleyball, that turns me on? Eww! And yes, I do play volleyball, I didn't make that my screen name for fun, you know? AND BRIAN LEFT ME! He was supposed to help me! Grrr!!! I HATE IMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lisa # Wednesday, January 29, 2003 ( 1/29/2003 04:51:00 PM ) Lisa I think I did relatively well on my Biology final today. I think I did OK on the French final...everyone problem did bad on it though. lol. Tomorrow, I have my History, English, and Art final. Friday: NO SCHOOL! Yeah, baby! haha. I get to sleep in late, and I'm gonna use our treadmill, work it out a little bit. Go me! I know I got 5 extra credit points on my Biology final. Hey, 5 is better than nothing, but it was out of 20, so it's not that great. Oh, well. Lisa # Tuesday, January 28, 2003 ( 1/28/2003 08:19:00 PM ) Lisa Argh. It was snowing today, I think it stopped, though. I went to my room around 3, I think 'cause the kids were home and I saw snow. I was like NOOOOO!!!!! I HATE SNOW! lol. It's OK, winter's almost over. Grrr!!! I can't wait till spring-my favorite season! I'm not a winter person 'cause I hate snow and the cold and I hate summer 'cause I hate heat and I never tan. lol. So, I'm pretty much white all year round. haha. Justin sounds soooo yummy on the phone! lol. I don't know who sounds cuter: Justin or Joey. We talked for like almost an hour; it was great. haha. He's a very entertaining person...but it could just be 'cause I'm easily amused. I told him the Cubs sucked (lol) and I think I got him a little mad. =) He's like, "yeah, I'm still growing. My doctor says by the time I'm 17, I should be like 6'3." Well, poo to him! I'm happy with being 5'2. Ok, I lied. I hate it. lol. I was like, "well, I stopped growing when I was like 2." He's like, "wow, you must've been a big baby." hahaha. NO! I WAS AVERAGE SIZED! Thank you very much. Stupid AOL's making me mad! It won't let me load any pictures and it's driving me CRAZY! On a brighter note: I'm getting a scanner Sunday! Lisa # ( 1/28/2003 05:36:00 PM ) Lisa The Alg/Trig. test was pretty easy. The teacher even let us use our notes and books! Yeah! Tomorrow: French, lunch, Biology. dum dum dum dum...DUM!! I've studied for it, and now my head's hurting. lol. I'm gonna study more, too. If I don't do well...and if I don't pass...I'm gonna kill someone! (j/k I'm not that mean.) I'm gonna study in lunch, too 'cause it's 75 freakin' minutes long! I don't even EAT lunch! grrr!!! I'm talking to Justin (hehe) so I'll write more later. Lisa # Monday, January 27, 2003 ( 1/27/2003 09:39:00 PM ) Lisa And so tomorrow begins my Finals. Yep. 3 whole days of test Lisa Justin [3:48 PM]: i was just bout to call u! Justin [3:48 PM]: lol Lisavolley41387 [3:49 PM]: hehe Justin [3:49 PM]: thanks for ur message last nite Justin [3:49 PM]: i know im soooooooooooooo mean Justin [3:49 PM]: lol Justin [3:49 PM]: according to u Lisavolley41387 [3:49 PM]: yeah. YOU ARE!!!! lol Lisavolley41387 [3:49 PM]: j/k Justin [3:49 PM]: lol Justin [3:49 PM]: so how does my voice sound? Lisavolley41387 [3:49 PM]: sooooooooooooooooooooooooo cute!!!!!!!!!!! :-D Justin [3:49 PM]: :) Lisavolley41387 [3:50 PM]: i sound like a big dork on the phone Justin [3:50 PM]: lol no Justin [3:50 PM]: sometimes i couldnt hear wat u were sayin Justin [3:50 PM]: lol Lisavolley41387 [3:50 PM]: sorry. did i talk kinda fast? Justin [3:50 PM]: lol ya Justin [3:50 PM]: sounded like u were nervouc Justin [3:50 PM]: *nervous Lisavolley41387 [3:50 PM]: no, i was talk fast in messages Lisavolley41387 [3:51 PM]: *always Justin [3:51 PM]: lol u mispelled "was" pretty badly Justin [3:51 PM]: lol Lisavolley41387 [3:51 PM]: leave me alone. =( Justin [3:51 PM]: noooooo Justin [3:51 PM]: im sorry :-* Lisavolley41387 [3:51 PM]: its ok =) # ( 1/27/2003 04:32:00 PM ) Lisa *Warning: contains swearing.* I feel like a fucking idiot. My Biology teacher calls me up to tell me my grade...a fucking D+! I failed 5 out of 7 tests this quarter and if I don't pass this fucking final (which is 120 questions!) I fail. He also said I should drop to regulars (I'm in AP). I was chewing on my pen when he told me and he's like "don't laugh." How the fuck is chewing on my pen laughing, asshole!? I feel like a fucking idiot, I swear. I don't want regulars. I'm smart, I can pass. Science just isn't my subject. My whole school life, I've always gotten a B or C in Science. Except 1 quarter in 8th grade, the teacher was sick (for like the whole year) so we had like a permanent substitute and I got and A that quarter. That 1 fucking quarter. Then the teacher came back and my A dropped back down to a fucking C. It's not all my fault either. If the damn teacher spent more than a week on each chapter, I'd have more time to learn everything. His excuse for that is: "It's an AP class, we're supposed to go fast." Ummm...sure. Well, why the Hell aren't the regulars that far behind us? They're not going slow because they're regulars are they? NO!! He told everyone (even someone who had an F) that he knew they could do better and he didn't say they should go to regulars, but he didn't say he thought I could do better or any shit like that. WELL, FUCK HIM! Lisa # Sunday, January 26, 2003 ( 1/26/2003 09:57:00 PM ) Lisa STUPID RAIDERS LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!! I knew they were going to! grrr!!! Every time I want a certain team to win, they lose! Damn me! I'm never saying out loud what team I want to win and I'll just cheer in my head. Argh. Sorry, Raiders it's partly my fault....other part is YOU EFFIN' SUCK!! lol. Lisa # ( 1/26/2003 05:36:00 PM ) Lisa GO RAIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm watching the superbowl. Go Raiders! lol. I have to finish my homework, though. So I'm probably going to miss 30 minutes of it. =( Oh, well. Lisa GO RAIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!!! # ( 1/26/2003 01:58:00 AM ) Lisa Sandy [10:23 PM]: i didnt wanna eat the burnt pasta but she made me! Lisavolley41387 [10:23 PM]: yep yep! Sandy [10:23 PM]: i love it! Lisavolley41387 [10:23 PM]: hehehe =) Sandy [10:24 PM]: did u really write those poems? Lisavolley41387 [10:24 PM]: yeah, why Sandy[10:24 PM]: i like 'em Lisavolley41387 [10:24 PM]: aw thank you! :-) Lisavolley41387 [10:25 PM]: some1 told me they were depressing :'( Sandy [10:25 PM]: they make me sad Lisavolley41387 [10:25 PM]: sorry Sandy [10:25 PM]: who are they about? Lisavolley41387 [10:25 PM]: all except 1 are about my dad Sandy [10:26 PM]: whose the special one about? Lisavolley41387 [10:26 PM]: which special one? Sandy [10:26 PM]: the one tahts not about ur poppi Lisavolley41387 [10:27 PM]: oh...no one. haha, i just felt like writing a poem Sandy [10:27 PM]: is ur poppi really mean? Lisavolley41387 [10:27 PM]: yeah, 2 me mostly Sandy [10:28 PM]: dont stay home! we'll hang out after school.... Lisavolley41387 [10:28 PM]: ottay =) Sandy [10:29 PM]: kk I have to do my History paper. Damn it. I'll do it tomorrow after I buy my stupid dress. Or maybe I'll just buy a skirt and I'm gonna have to buy shoes to 'cause my mom won't let me wear my gym shoes. Damn her! lol. I love online quizzes! They're the greatest! I took a whole bunch. One was to see if I'm going to Hell...shockingly, I'm not! lol. Go me! But according to How Am I Going To Die: I'm gonna commit suicide. lol. My mom, sister Christina, friend Brian, and cousin Laura are all being murdered. Interesting...lol. Night! Well...good morning, Lisa Lisavolley41387 [4:20 PM]: guess what Joey[4:20 PM]: what Lisavolley41387 [4:20 PM]: chicken butt!!! lmao hahahahahahahahaha~~me lmao Joey [4:20 PM]: haha Joey [4:20 PM]: wierdo Lisavolley41387 [4:21 PM]: hey! :'( i know that already! thank you very much Joey [4:21 PM]: i still luv u Joey [4:21 PM]: :) Lisavolley41387 [4:21 PM]: i love u to Justin [8:09 PM]: do u really have connections to the mob? lol (referring to my AOL profile) Lisavolley41387 [8:09 PM]: maybe maybe not. lol Justin [8:09 PM]: lol Justin [8:10 PM]: plz dont have me whacked Justin[8:10 PM]: :'( Lisavolley41387 [8:10 PM]: ok, i wont Justin [8:10 PM]: lol k good Lisavolley41387 [8:10 PM]: turns out im going to hell but am committing suicide. interesting... (online quiz) Justin [8:10 PM]: lol ~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin [8:21 PM]: fav band? Lisavolley41387 [8:21 PM]: i dont have one...if i had to pick itd be between sum 41, good charlotte, korn, or slipknot. lol Justin [8:21 PM]: what bout new found glory? Lisavolley41387 [8:22 PM]: i like some of their songs Justin [8:22 PM]: NFG would prob be my fav Justin [8:22 PM]: good charlotte and sum 41 are good too Lisavolley41387 [8:22 PM]: the fat guy should keep his shirt on though Justin [8:22 PM]: lol ya Justin [8:22 PM]: thats pretty disgusting Lisavolley41387 [8:22 PM]: yeah haha # Wednesday, January 22, 2003 ( 1/22/2003 09:19:00 PM ) Lisa Yeah! Me and Joey have been talking! We have like hour long conversations. haha. He's so cute, but I'm not gonna meet him any time soon. Sorry, dude. A little of our convo. from yesterday: Me: want some of my banana? =) ::holds banana to the screen:: Him: yum Me: lol Me: everyone thinks im crazy when i offer food through the computer. hahaha Him: yea...1st time i heard that Me: i offered cereal before. yum yum Him: that can get messy Me: no more banana! =) Him: haha ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Him: y is it that girls are so close 2 each other? Him: i cant understand it Me: im not close to any girls. i get along with guys better Me: brb-have to feed my son Him: son? Me: my cat. lol. dont worry. never did that yet...remember?? Him: yeah Him: i hate cats lol Him: remember Me: i know...allergies Him: mmhm ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Him: yea that b more kinky n stuff Me: or a convertabile with the top down. haha =) Him: THAT I CAN DO Me: hahaha yeah!! I still have to do my homework. Bad me. ::smacks hand:: Argh. My cheeks are red. lol. I took 3 online quizzes. My results (can't post links or pics 'cause my parents won't pay for blogger plus and I have no money. lol.) What sign of affection are you? "Innocent kiss-you're cute and sweet and like it that way." What swear word are you? "Fuck...bad:violent and angry. good: you have an interesting way of expressing yourself-go fuck yourself you fuck not." lol. So true. So true. What kind of porno would you star in? "Romantic monie! You probably won't star in a porno anytime soon. You seem to be really into the whole "love" thing...romantic sex with perfumed sheets and candles all over the place. You're probably a hopless romantic. You valua sex and respect your partner too much to do anything like porn. AWWWWWW" haha. Damn! lol. I'm not a hopeless romantic, dude. I hate romance. haha What kind of virgin are you? "Laid-back virgin: you see sex as just fun and aren't looking for love and commitment to enjoy it. You're not in a rush either-basically, whatever happens, happens. Good attitude. Go you." Hey! I always say go me! hahaha Last test I took so far: Which guy are you destined to have sex with? "Karl Urban: you like them tall, dark, sexy and fun." Ok. Better do homework. I want to finish it by ten. Mucho love, Lisa! # Sunday, January 19, 2003 ( 1/19/2003 03:30:00 PM ) Lisa I haven't talked to Joey in a few days. =( It's kinda sad, but this always happens to me, so I could care less, you know? Oh, well. Life's a bitch. The Things You Hate written by me You hate the clothes I wear You hate the way I put my hair You hate the way I brush my teeth You hate the way I sit and stare You hate everything about me But I really don't care You don't like the way I sit or stand You don't like the way I wave my hand You hate the way I smile And how I always throw my clothes in one big pile You hate everything about me But I really don't care You hate the way I talk to you You even hate the way I tie my shoes You hate it when I am sad You especially hate it when I am mad You hate everything about me But I really don't care Soon I will be free And I will be the true me # Friday, January 17, 2003 ( 1/17/2003 08:17:00 PM ) Lisa People keep unsubscribing from my zine. =( I think I'm just going to stop it. I've only had 2 issues, but finals are coming up and I NEED to get all my grades up. My best grades are probably in Enlgish, PE, and Art. Maybe History, but the teacher's crazy, so whatever. lol. I had to write something, but I forgot...Great...Damn, what the Hell did I have to say? OH! I KNOW! Ok, Gabriella was praying at dinner (she's only in kindergarden and they've already brainwashed her.) and my mom got pissed 'cause me and Christina "won't participating." What the F!? Then my dad's like "Christina next year you're going to a public school." In her last year!!? Whatever...So I'm like, "you're gonna take her out of school because she didn't pray?" He's like "well because she doesn't believe in it and doesn't go to church." I'm like "so you're taking her out of her last year, because she doesn't believe in something? You can't make someone believe something because you believe in it." My mom's like "what religion are you?" I'm like "Catholic." She's like "and you don't go to church, but you believe in god?" I said, "no, I don't" 'cause I truly don't believe in god. So then she got pissed. "I payed 8 years of catholic school and you don't believe in god!?" First of all, it was 9 years (kindergarden through 8th) and 2nd of all, I didn't chose to be a Catholic, they did. I had no say in it, since I WAS AN EFFING BABY WHEN I WAS BAPTIZED! DUH! So I said "yeah." My mom's like "so why don't you convert? What about when you get married?" I said "I'll get married in a church." "But you don't believe?" "No. I believe there's a higher life force, but I don't believe it has a name, and I don't believe it's god." I'm sorry, but if they want to be pissed at me because I don't believe in something they believe in, go ahead, be pissed. My dad's like "so you went to a catholic school and never believed in god?" I said "no, I stopped believing in 8th grade." "2 years?" Well, DUH! 8th grade, 9th grade, 10th grade. Duh, Duh, Duh! So I said "yeah." Sorry, I don't see what the big deal is. Everyone has his/her own beliefs and you can't judge or hate someone on them, even if they're a boy, girl, son, daughter, or friend. It's doesn't matter AT ALL. I don't care. I don't care. They could be mad at me ALL they want, but they still won't and CAN'T change my mind. If I don't believe in something, I don't believe in something. It's as simple as that. As of now, I am a baptized, confirmized, blah blah blahized athiest. SO SCREW THEM ALL! hahahahahahahaha! Lisa # Thursday, January 16, 2003 ( 1/16/2003 09:41:00 PM ) Lisa I'm happy today. ha. I'm happy. Wow. I've been talking to this guy named, Joey, online and today he gave me his number and I called him. haha. I've only been talking to him for a few days, too. I kind of feel bad 'cause I've been talking to Victor online for like 3 years and my friend knows him and his cousin and I see his cousin ALL the time 'cause we go to the same school and he keeps giving me his number to call him, but I'm a big, nervous chicken and chicken out (duh) so I don't call him. I haven't talked to him in a while, though. If he gives me his number again, I think I'm just gonna call him. Oh and today his cousin pointed to me and said something to his friend. Well, at least I think it was me...Lisa # Wednesday, January 15, 2003 ( 1/15/2003 05:22:00 PM ) Lisa This is from my actual journal (I have a journal where I actually write in it, a diaryland diary, a blog, a pitas page, and a diary zine. lol. I'm diary/journal obsessed!) **Warning: contains swearing.** "10:40 PM 1-9-03 Dear Journal, I can't even take it anymore. I can't stand this fucking house. I hate my parents. I hate my family. I hate life. I hate everything. I hate me. What did I ever do to them? Was it my fault for being born? They don't even know how I feel-they don't even care. I'm sorry for whatever I did, for whatever I didn't do. I'm sorry. I'm sorr for not even knowing what I'm sorry about. I can't help or change the way I am and for that, I'm sorry. I was getting yelled at for nothing tonight and I don't even know why. I can hardly write because I'm trembling for gasps of air because I'm crying so violently. I'm sorry I can't be the perfect child they wanted-it's just not me. I can't help it that I like to read or I enjoy writing. I'm sorry for being emotional and cry, it's not my fault-it's really not. I'm sorry for not being what they wanted. I'm sorry for being me. If only they knew me, the way I am, maybe they'd understand. I didn't do anything wrong tonight, but everything got turned onto me. Why? Why is it always me? Why am I me? Why was I born? Why can't I just die so I don't have to be here another day-so they don't have to see how miserable they are with me, instead of how happy they could be without me? So I have books in 2 different spots in my room? So what? The bitch has a closet full, but no, nothing I like or enjoy is allowed. Maybe I'll get lucky and get hit by a big fucking bus tomorrow-if only life was that easy, right? Can't they see that I'm hurting? That I'm denying my existence because of them? I was just hoping, wishing one of them would hit me, maybe snap them back to reality. I feel like I have to throw up. Is torturing me some kind of pleasure they enjoy? They'll see how fucked up I really was once this all gets out. WHY CAN'T I DIE!? (10:59 p.m.) Again and again I cry Because you burt me in 1 way or another Again and again I wonder why I'm here My life has no meaning Again & again I think of killing myself But you wouldn't know about that, Would you? I lye alone in bed, Asking myself why you hate I tried killing myself more than once, But you didn't know that, did you? I know you blame me for everything And I try, I really do But it's still never good enough 4 you And when I become famous, you'll want my money And I'll tell you both to fuck off and go to Hell All of this will come out one day And you'll be sorry you made me this way I may not be to your liking, But you're not to mine either You hurt me emotionally & mentally, But it doesn't seem to matter to you I hide my feelings behind a smile, You don't even see through it You believe I'm happy when I laugh or smile, Oh, if only you could know how I really feel, If only you could know the real me It would make you shit your pants, you fuckers I've never gotten the chance to say anything I really wanted to say, You'll know it all one day I express myself in letters, not in words, Physically, not verbally You'll be on your knees, Begging me to forgive you And that's when I'll tell you I never loved you I hated your sorry, pathetic faces Then I'll laugh at you And say I'm like this, thanks to your doing Will people be afraid of me? Will they wonder what you did to me when I was a kid? You'll know how I feel, When you find all my journals, diaries, stories, and poems next to my dead, bloddy body And you'll have to live with that for the rest of your sad, sorry, PATHETIC lives Don't worry, I'll never forget you I'll remember how you fucked me up, How you blamed all your shit on me, How I became the bitch in the family How my life was Hell, And how you treated me like an asshole Don't worry, everyone will know who my parents were They'll know why I'm black, stone inside And when I have my baby bot, I'll tell him mommy's parents are dead, because they were bad, bad people, who despised mommy for no reason Oh, you'll get your recognition you sorry fuck, Not the kind you want, but you'll get it Right up your big motherfucking ass! Yep. I know I'm your screw up I know I'm a screw up Baby, I know I'm the screw up But fuck, at least I'm not like you You have to be thankful for that, right? Ha! I'll remember you, BELIEVE ME! I'll remember you...Promise I'll build websites dedicated to you No, of course they won't be good, They're about you, remember? You've brought me so much pain, My bed is my only comfort And you wonder why I hate your fucking guts I hope you know I ripped all of the pictures I had of you It was fun Do you know how it FEELS to be me!!? No, you couldn't 'Cause you're too fucking dumb You pull lies from your ass, but you can't admit it Oh, skatig was fun dad! Thanks for taking us you pussy! You're always trying to screw me over one way or another Well, FUCK YOU! Never come to my room to apologize, Or say it wasn't my fault, Never even bother trying to comfort me, To know how I feel True, I make fun of you, But you do it to me, too The pain will be forever inside me, Seeping out ever so slowly But when I'm good and ready, BAM! You'll know how I've felt for many years What? Be quiet, you're on the phone? Freedom of speech, baby...make me shut up, Dumb fuck! I won't go away I can't go away But the day I die, You'll know hy, You'll finally understand me You would've never guessed that this was how I felt You'll be shockd, you'll piss yourself What!? Lisa's dead!? You never saw it coming!? Awww...too bad, you should've So go ahead, throw all my possession away, Make sure no one remembers me, But I'll be back Oh, baby, trust the fuck out of me, I'll be back one way or another; You'll see The only question is: How should I die?" Another one from my journal: "9:29 pm 1-13-03 Dear Journal, My parents don't understand how it is for me. They don't understand that I can't deal with all this pain. I'm sorry for not knowing wher the fucking bowling alley is. I'm sorry I forgot to ask. I didn't think it would be that big a deal. I take the bus there after school and home when the game's done. They don't see it my way. They wanted my friends phone number, I'd given it to them SO many times. I've given them their addresses, too. Have they ever met them? Duh! They're on the same volleyball team as me and I went to each of thier houses almost every day for 2 weeks to work on an English project. They're the ones that picked me up, too! I can't live like this anymore...I jsut can't live... ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I can't take this pain anymore I run to my room and shut my door I'm sorry that I'm me I cut my arm and watch it bleed You don't know how I feel You don't believe my feelings are real Go ahead, torch my room Maybe a better life will bloom You don't respect my personal space You same my style has no taste I'm only being me Why is that so hard for you to see? I write about you all day and night I write about every one of your fights You say I'm a wuss because I cry, But you don't even bother to ask why You tell me I'm fat Why would a parent do that? I know you're not proud of me After all, how could you be? Tears roll down my cheeks, It's now hard for me to speak I act like I'm happy, when I go to school I smile and pretend everything's cool But in my eyes, you can see That that is not the real me My heart is full of pain And my parents are to blaim My body stings from the cuts I made Maybe tomorrow will be a better day... 9:47 p.m. Lisa # Tuesday, January 14, 2003 ( 1/14/2003 08:55:00 PM ) Lisa My parents have been driving me crazy lately. No matter what I do, they still find something to yell at me for. I'm tired of it. I can't take it anymore. They don't even care how I feel, they don't even notice. My arms are all cut up, I've never done that before, and they still don't notice. I wasn't going to cut myself, I never have before either, but I saw the razor there and I was crying and pissed 'cause I was getting yelled at, so I did it. I took the razor and through my tears, I cut my arm. No one in school noticed either; they think I'm a happy-go-lucky type of person. It's like they don't even know me at all. I've been busy putting the first issue of my zine together and I sent it out Sunday night. Now I don't even feel like continuing it. I've had 3 people unsubscribe to it, but I've also had a couple more subscribe. So I think it's balanced out. I've even recieved 2 nice comments, so that made me smile, but I turn around and got yelled at some more. I don't know how to deal with my family. I don't have anyone to talk to. My parents are forcing me to go to this dinner-dance at this Italian club my grandpa belongs to. I don't want to go. I wasn't gonna go until my aunt said all her kids were going, so my parents are forcing us to go. I DON'T WANT TO GO! I hate dressing up, whatever the occasion may be. I can't deal with any of this anymore. I'm sorry I'm not the way they wanted me to be. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I'm sorry for everything I've ever done or didn't do. I...am...truly...sorry...Lisa # Sunday, January 12, 2003 ( 1/12/2003 02:17:00 PM ) Lisa I WANT BLOGGER PLUS!!!!!!!!! But my parents won't pay for it and I have no money 'cause I don't have a job. Ahh. As soon as it's my birthday-I'm getting a job to get blogger plus, I want pictures and stuff on this site. grr. EVERYONE ELSE HAS IT!!! lol. I haven't written in a while...oh, well. I've been working on the first issue of my zine: Only In Time. The first week of school was alright; it went by kind of fast, actually. I didn't get any homework, and if I did, I didn't do any of it. lol. However, this weekend my teachers decided to assign a butt load of crap to my classes. I still haven't done any! haha. My English teacher wasn't there ALL week! ::hooray!!:: So, I have to start my homework within the next hour or two. lol. Nick and I are going to buy a printer today. I hope we find a cheap one. I want one with a scanner, 'cause ours is effed up, but those are a lot and he's saving up to buy a car (yeah right! He'll get it in 5 more years. lol.) and I'm saving up to go to Italy in 2006, and train (hopefully). So I split whatever money I get into 3 ways: piggy bank (lol. It was a gift), spending money, and bank account. I wonder how much I have right now... 3 months, 1 day till I get my license (and a job). ~*~Lisa~*~ # Sunday, January 05, 2003 ( 1/05/2003 01:34:00 PM ) Lisa ohhh! My neck still hurts. I couldn't even sleep during the night; it was such a pain. Like at 3, I woke up 'cause I guess I tried to turn over or something and it hurt too much. So in order for me to turn over, I had to sit up and slowly (you have NO idea how slow) I had to turn around. Then it wouldn't be comfortable. So, for like 10 minutes almost every hour, I was trying to find a comfortable spot to sleep. Yeah, that didn't work. I woke up at 11:15 and just layed there. At 12 I decided I might as well get up. My mom said if it's not better tomorrow, I STILL have to go to school!! Yeah, that makes sense. Considering the fact that I can't even walk my normal pace, let's send me to high school, where I'd be shoved around because of how slow I'll be walking. grrr!!! We're playing volleyball in PE and I won't even be able to play 'cause I can hardly lift up my right arm-my over-hand serving arm. Why does this have to happen to me!!!? I LOVE VOLLEYBALL! ohhhh... My parents made me put grocerys away. It took me like 5 minutes to put away 5 apples. haha. I still have to do English (just read 2 stories and write notes about them) after I take a shower. How can I wash my hair now!? ::groan:: Later, Lisa # Saturday, January 04, 2003 ( 1/04/2003 11:28:00 PM ) Lisa Here's a little survey: feeling: pain!!! PAST First grade teacher's name: Mrs. Powers Last sentence you said: Work It! Work It! Last song you sang: Hailey's Song (Eminem) Last song stuck in your head: Beautiful (Christina Aguilera) Last person who you chatted with?: stranger who IMed me. lol Last movie you saw: Mr. Deeds Last CD you bought: have noooo clue. haha...Andrew WK, I think?? PRESENT What's in your CD player: A mix I made What color socks are you wearing: white with gray on the bottom What's under your bed: books, papers, spirals with my stories and poems and stuff What's the weather like: it's night. cold, it snowed earlier What time did you wake up today: 10:15 What's playing on your TV: some exercise tape my sisters watching. haha How many close friends do you have: 1 How many enemies do you have: none i think, unless someone secretly hates me ::Gilberto:: FUTURE Who do you want to marry: don't know Are you going to college: Yes Where do you want to go: anywhere but home, or any state around home-blah What is your career going to be: speedskater, then doctor (either pathologist, surgen, or a regular doctor in a hospital) Where are you going to live: Colorado Springs. When I finish college, and retire from speedskating, maybe back home in Chicago. How many kids do you want: 1 (boy) Kids's names: Morgan (after Morgan Moss) Where do you want your honeymoon: don't care...Egypt What kind of car will you have: some sort of sports cars, those ROCK DUDE!!!!! Camaro, ferrari, viper, etc. What age are you going to marry: don't know...hopefully in my early-mid 20s PERSONAL STUFF Name: Lisa Nicknames: Lee, Lis ( hate that one though) LiL Lisa, Lee Lee, midget, shorty...I have A LOT. lol Address: ha. 5746 College Plans: college than medical school-any where, but not near home Birthday: April 13 Birthplace: Mercy Hospital Horoscope Sign: Aries Siblings: 2 sisters; Christina (12) Gabriella (5)-i brother; Nick (18) Parents: Vincenzo and Marie Best Friends: Cathy Marital Status: single Pets: cat-Tiggie (7 months) and turtle-Snappy (8) Hair Color: Brown Eye Color: Brown Glasses/Contacts: nope...used to wear glasses, but my eye got better!!!!! Height: 5'2" Piercings: My ears (3)...I want a LOT more. (between the eyes, whats that called? my tongue, eyebrow, nipples, and belly button 4 tops. HA! I LOVE PAIN! And I want a tattoo between my shoulder blades or on the back of my neck. Yeah for me! lol) Righty, Lefty, or Ambidextrous?: Ambidextrous What's one thing you would change about yourself?: The way I look, weight What's your most comfortable piece of clothing?: My PJ's, baggy clothes. Goal in Life: be a well-rounded, caring person Song to Describe your life: "Don't Let Me Get Me" by P!NK or "All You Wanted" by Michelle Branch Five words to describe yourself: smart, weird, crazy, serious, wicked Background: Italian (Sicilian) SOCIAL LIFE Best Girl Friends: Cathy Best Guy Friend: don't know-Nick (my brother) Where can you usually be found?: My room or by the computer Which friend would you like to be with right now?: None Are you the center of attention?: Nope What's your idea of a dream date?: dinner, movie, walk on a beach Are you timely or always late?: Timely, usually early. lol Where's the best hangout?: don't know-parents never let me out of the house. =( Seriously. Do you like being around people or being alone?: Either or, it depends on my mood Whats your biggest turn off in the opposite sex?: Stupid boys, ignorant, arrogant boys OUT OF YOUR FRIENDS...WHO? Have you known the longest?: Cathy (4 months apart...cousins) Do you argue the most with?: none really Do you always get along with?: Cathy Is the most trustworthy?: Cathy Makes you laugh the most?: Angela Has been there through all the hard times?: Cathy Always has a man/woman?: don't know...Vanessa, Mandi, Danielle Is the most sensitive?: don't know Biggest loser?: me Most unique?: me Is the most encouraging?: Cathy and Laura Is the most blunt?: don't kow Is the shyest?: me, at times Is the most outgoing?: Vanessa Is the most rebellious?: me Is the horniest?: don't know Is the most perfect?: none. HA! Is the laziest?: Christina Is the most optimistic? probably none. defiitely not me. Is the most conservative?: don't know Is most likely to become famous?: me Is most likely to become rich?: me Is most likely to end up in jail?: ha...Vanessa or Danielle. lol. Is most likely to have a million kids?: Vanessa wants triplets...so her!(?) Is most likely never to have kids?: i don't know Will get a boob job?: Sandy Will get married first? Jill and Tyler. hehe Will lose their virginity first?: don't know...they're all pretty horney!! lol. Always wears a smile?: me Is the smartest?: me Complains the most?: me and Cathy (to each other, anyways) Complains the least?: Nick Is the biggest flirt?: Vanessa Needs a good man/woman?: me Has the best fashion sense?: none Could be an alien?: me (I'm 1/2 alien. SSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!) Has the weirdest taste in the opposite sex?: me, I don't like anyone my friends like. lol. Best form of entertainment?: anyone Are you most jealous of?: Vanessa Is a bad influence?: Angela-she's soo mean and it rubs off on me! lol. That's what Antron says, anyways. STUPID QUESTIONS Have you ever been suspected of committing a crime?: yep...only in the family, nothing with cops or anything. What do you want people to say about you when you die?: She was so sweet and worked soo hard to get where she was when she passed. How long does it take you to get ready to go out?:10-15 minutes, I take showers at night. What super power would you want?: x-ray vision, and flying What would you like to be reincarnated as?: A human Do you make fun of your friends?: Yes Words or phrases you over use: dude, man, yeppers, nopers, wicked, awesome, word (inside joke), ok...no If you were an animal what would you be?: penguin-THEY RULE!! Do you enjoy talking to yourself?: yeppers What's your biggest fear?: Not accomplishing my goals What would you have liked to be named?: don't care. I was gonna be named Marissa but my dad didn't like it. lol. Whats your most prized possesion?: my penguins items, my journals/diaries and the poems/stories I've written. Whats the funniest word you can think of?: booger What songs bring back the most memories?: Time of Your Life (Green Day) and Will You Remember Me? (Sarah McClocklin-sp?) What's the largest organ in the human body?: lungs Do you have a bar trick? nope Does God know who and where you are? maybe Who/What are you thankful for?: my bed, family (besides my parents, aunts, unles, the "older" people) Do you believe in fate?: Yes Do you get along with your parents?: not really Could a pack of wolves done a better job raising you?: yeah What time do you go to bed?: It varies from night to night. What do you look for in the opposite sex?: Intelligence, humor, able to hold a good conversation, listens when I speak, respects my opinions, athletic, built is always a plus, pretty eyes (first thing I look at), nice smile (2nd thing I look at). What was the most difficult thing you had to do?: nothing yet If you were given one day to live what would you do?: Tell everyone I kow how I feel about them, kiss my crush(es), if possible, fly to Italy...but that's a LOOONG plane ride. damn. What's your most embarrassing moment?: nothing yet What's the worst feeling in the world?: Someone not returning your love. If you could meet anyone who ever existed who would it be? Fabio Carta Have you ever been in love?: No What's your best physical feature?: I don't know; probably my personality. My eyes or lips...or chest. lol. What is the oddest thing you've inherited from your parents?: ummm. my height? well, shortness, lack of height, really. What's the biggest lie you've ever told?: it wasn't me What was the meanest thing you ever did as a little kid?: Many, many things. Still do them, too. Whats the best scam you've ever pulled and gotten away with?: nothing What was the worst punishment your parents inflicted?: I don't get punished. Well, I'm grounded for life twice, so I guess that. What have you learned about love?: Nothing How have you changed in the past year? Personality, weight, open to more types of people, but really always was. so...yeah. # ( 1/04/2003 05:19:00 PM ) Lisa Today was an interesting day in range. I got there, right on time like always. I was paired with Ken, who's 6'6 and I'm only 5'2 so that was kinda weird 'cause we got "the big car". So anywho. Ken went, then me. Then when Ken was driving again, I hurt my neck. I don't know, I just turned it or something and it started hurting. Whatever. So when it was my turn, I told the teacher 'cause I couldn't move my head so I was I supposed to drive today since it was all parking, you know? So he told me to go in the trailer with Mr. Polasek. So I was in there, just sitting on this chair that was too tall for me. lol. My teacher from last week (Coach O) came to the back of the trailer and was like "you here for traffic?" no. "range/simulator?" yeah. "were you late?" no. Then he gave me this look like I was crazy or whatever. lol. So he left. Then it started getting seriously hot, so I took off my jacket, but still had my sweater on. Then I told him I felt like I was going to throw up, so I asked if there was a bathroom. I didn't throw up, but when I looked in the mirror, you could TOTALLY tell I was seriously sick. I was all pale and under my eyes were all dark and stuff. Yuckie. So then I called home so my dad could pick me up. I told Mr. Polask I could just walk home, because I only lived 2 blocks away. He's like "from here?" I was like yeah. He said No, in case I fainted or something. So I asked him if it was alright if I sat outside and he said fine. Groups switch. Mr. Polask told my teacher I was sick (I never got his name. lol.) And he said he knew. Then he told me "to put your coat on, babe" but I told him it was too hot to. I couldn't tell if he said you're too hot? or it's too hot? Whichever, I said yeah. Then he said ohhh. Mr. Polask came back after demonstrating 3-point parking to the other group and told me to come inside to pick my traffic days (I guess I passed!! lol.) When I was picking the time, my teacher (the one I don't know his name. haha) came by then my dad and little sister came in and my teacher told him what happened. When we were leaving Mr. Polask asked me if that was my dad ('cause I was ahead of him 'cause I walk fast. lol) and I said yeah, so then they talked and he told my dad what happened then he said he'll talk to me in school...About what? Ah-oh. At home I put frozen stuff (peas, lima beans, ice pack, etc.) on my neck and right shoulder ('cause that's where it's hurting), but it didn't work. My dad got Taco Bell for me! haha. I hope that doesn't make me sick later, though. I couldn't fall alseep so I decided to go on the computer-ta da! I still have to finish my English homework, so I'm probably gonna wait for a little later, but if it's not better by 7, then TOO BAD! I'll have to tough it up! grrr!!! lol. Lisa # Friday, January 03, 2003 ( 1/03/2003 08:50:00 PM ) Lisa Let's see...After I got home for range, I couldn't find this important piece of paper-it had to do with the computer, my brother gave me my own section or something. Whatever. But I couldn't find it, no one knew where it was. I figured my dad probably threw it away. Go figure: my sister found it...in the garbage can. lol. So my dad threw it away, or Christina was just lying and she actually threw it away. So that pissed me off A LOT!! Then, ALL OF A SUDDEN(!) my dad's complaining about how he has 2 girls (HELLO! AND A BOY!) and we "don't do anything around the house." blah blah blah...It hasn't bothered him for two fucking weeks, so why the HELL is it bothering him now!!!!! Then me and Christina went to Walgreens to pick up her film. When we got homeI had to wash the dishes. I also find out Christina's sleeping by Lindsey's house. At dinner, Lindsey calls and Christina says she'll be there in 20 minutes. My parents are going to look for a dishwasher after dinner and Nick's at work. Leaving me home to babysit Gabriella. Oh, yeah. And I get to wash all of the dinner dishes and clean the table. While finishing my English homework. Yep...all by MYself! So I got pissed and said to Christina "So you're not gonna help me clean up!!?" She said "Yeah." By that, she meant washing her plate, fork, and cup, but still leaving me with all the other forks, knives, pots, pans, dishes and all that. THANKS FOR WASHING THOSE THREE THINGS CHRISTINA! YEP, THANKS A LOT I'm not in the mood for anything. I'll see ya laterz. E-mail: Lisavolley41387@aol.com to subscribe to Only In Time, a diary zine. -Lisa # Thursday, January 02, 2003 ( 1/02/2003 01:47:00 PM ) Lisa Gabriella's scared of braces! lol. That's so cute! I was walking her to the bathroom and she asked why Johnny (our cousin) takes his teeth out! (He has a clear retainer) and I was like what? 'Cause I didn't understand her at first. hehe. Then I laughed and she turned away and I asked if she was scared of these (pointing to my braces) and she said yeah! lol. She asked why we had them and I said cause my teeth were crooked (sp?) and I put my fingers all weird and then i said they (the braces) help my teeth become better like yours (pointing to her teeth), she has pretty straight teeth, I think so, anyway. lol. I said they don't hurt and I was taping my braces and so she could, be she got scared, again. HAHA! I'm sorry, but that's toooo funny. It never stopped her from coming around us before. I think it's just because John took his retainer out and said they were his teeth. I'll beat him up later. Lisa # Wednesday, January 01, 2003 ( 1/01/2003 08:48:00 PM ) Lisa HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!! So, what did 2002 mean to me? Well, I met lots of different people because of freshman in high school. Lost my best friend, she hangs out with a totally different crowd now. Started driving. True, I suck at it, but hell, it's a start isn't it!? Passed freshman year with a 4.0 GPA. Am doing kinda miserably sophomore year-I don't know what my GPA is, yet. Saw my cousin graduate from Harvard, something I won't do...if only I tried harder, if only I took myself and my school work more seriously, maybe that would've been me, too. Fell in love with short track and them US Men's short track (olympic) team and Fabio Carta. Though I didn't watch the Olympics AT ALL(!) I want to start speedskating. Hence my AIM: ftrspdskater2006 I got the chance to meet Apolo Anton Ohno at the Chicago Sports Fest. Though it was brief, it's an experience that I will NEVER forget and probably the highlight of my whole year. Had a few crushes. Nothing went with those, though. Who cares though!? It's all good! 2 of my 3 hamsters died. =( One "ran away", we haven't found him since. =( My turtle, Snappy, turned 8. How he survived living in my brother's room, I will never know. We got a cat, Tiggie, who's only a few months. I'm still surprised my dad hasn't given him away yet. We had a dog, Molly, but got rid of her 3 months later because everyone, except me and Gabriella, was allergic to her. =( Got a new computer. Got a cell phone. I haven't used it once yet 'cause it goes by minutes and I don't feel like buying any. lol. Wrote a record (mine) amount of poems and stories that I'm very proud of. 2 are on my online journal (go to: http://lisa13.diaryland.com) I got 3 online journals. lol. I'm a loser, I know. One's for my range. One is a journal. And this is a journal-gibberish type thing. lol So many things I can and can't remember from 2002. So many memories I'll have. Crushes, friends, loses, volleyball, Olympics, speedskaters, short-track, EVERYTHING! I saw Niagra Falls, Ground Zero, Central Park, Time Square. I want to New York, Boston, and Canada, all in 1 week. I've lost soo much sleep this past year it's unbelievable. Maybe that should be my New Year's resolution, though I hate those things: Get more sleep. Well, we'll see. We'll see what this new year has in store for me: good? bad? miserable? unbelievable? No one knows... Till later, Lisa # |
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